Love & the Lack Thereof

nothing much has changed

Two years ago, you told me to not let fear get in the way of trying new things.

And I listened.

A lot has changed in two years–

I’ve closed some doors,

Opened new ones.

I put sriracha on my food now (and I love it).

I’ve tried and kept new hobbies–

I cook now, by the way.

And my bangs– you always made a reference to them, in one way or another.

(Yes, I know, they were horrible.)

But see, I don’t have bangs anymore.

And I stopped cutting my hair every three months.

I can drive now,

And I got a dog.

I understand the anxiety of thinking about the future–

Of student loans, and planning out your future.

 

But there are some things that haven’t changed.

My eyes still dart to every grey BMW I see.

My ears still perk whenever I hear a friend talk about meeting someone you are close to, or even simply an acquaintance of yours.

My mind still replays memories with you–

When you drove me home.

When you offered me food (you always asked me twice).

When you touched my face.

And when the topic of “who can you imagine spending the rest of your life with” comes to the table,

Nothing has changed.

It’s still you.

After all this time,

It’s still you.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

“Just think – the guy you could be marrying could be in your life right now…and you could never know.”

If you only knew.

 

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Love & the Lack Thereof

“But”

One day

My professor put up a very

Very, very, very,

Very small number on the board

Ten to the power of…

Negative one trillion

(Or something like that)

I don’t remember the details

But his point was

The likelihood of a multiverse

Is very very small

As small as that number on the board

Smaller than we can comprehend

 

Not sure how true this is

And I don’t know what I believe

Or if I really care

But I do know that sometimes

I think about us in another universe

Another world completely

A world where she doesn’t exist

A world without rules

A world where I can say “I love you”

And you say it back

Without fear

Without consequence

Without a “but”

 

In this universe

You pick me up in the morning

With coffee, of course

You have my breakfast order memorized

(Because you know I’m just too busy to ever make it at home)

You hold my hand and we drive

And everything is beautiful —

The sun,

The sky,

The drive,

Us.

 

In this universe

We don’t know what it’s like

To not be allowed to love

We will never have to deal with

The pain of being told

Our love doesn’t make sense

 

In this universe,

The “what if’s”

Don’t stand a chance against

“What is”

 

But,

In this world

In our reality

In our “now”

In our one known universe

We are forced to live in

I tell you I love you

I tell you you’re it

I tell you that before you

Nothing made sense

And after you

Nothing made sense

But with you

I sang songs

I dreamed dreams

I learned to love the parts

Of me that you adored

The parts

I used to hide

 

You say

“I know

I love you too

But,”

– a.s.

 

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Love & the Lack Thereof

A Collection of Heartbroken Limericks: Part Two

6.

I once gave my heart to a boy
Who played with and used it like a toy
Then away me he threw
When he found someone new
Now gone is all of my joy

7.

Maybe I was wrong about you
Maybe your love was never true
There’s a feeling I can’t shake
That all your affections were fake
Maybe I just never got the clue

8.

I made you the centre of my life
And you stabbed me in the back with a knife
Gave you my whole heart
But you ripped it apart
Now all that’s left is resentment and strife

9.

All I’ve ever wanted was you
But you’re happy with somebody new
She’ll never be me
You’re fooling yourself, can’t you see?
She’ll never love you like I do

10.

What were you thinking when you walked out the door?
Was I not enough for you? Did you want more?
Did you really love me or did you keep me for comfort?
How could you throw everything we had in the dirt?
When did you realize you didn’t need me anymore?

 

 

— n.d.

 

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Love & the Lack Thereof

A Collection of Heartbroken Limericks: Part One

1.

I once loved someone very much so
He made me smile when I was feeling low
He was my best friend
Then it came to an end
For reasons I will never know

2.

When I found out you were leaving me
I couldn’t bring myself to eat or sleep
Stayed up night after night
Rivers flowing from my eyes
Drowning in heartbroken misery

3.

How can you say you love me one day,
Then the next decide to go away?
Was your affection untrue?
Did you find someone new?
Why did we fall astray?

4.

What I miss more than anything
Was when we would talk about everything
Staying on the phone all night
From sunset to sunrise
Until our voices faded into nothing

5.

Despite the way we ended so badly
I know at one point you really did love me
We were going so strong
Before it all went wrong
I guess it just wasn’t meant to be

 

— n.d.

 

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Love & the Lack Thereof

an ache for a distant place

take me back to the place where we were free,

away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life and its rhythm that we struggle to keep up with,

and in sync with the riffs and runs of the trumpets and the saxophones and all the other musicians who called the streets their home.

take me back to the comforts of guided daytrips,

scenic routes,

and lands that have made their mark on history.

take me back to songs sung in spirit of camaraderie,

to when laughter wasn’t scarce.

take me back to the moment you were waiting in the corner

and asked me to dance.

take me back to the six minutes that our two left feet tried to dance

but we were completely immersed in nervousness…and our song.

take me back to youthful innocence.

take me back to the place where we were allowed to sing our song;

take me back to the place that knew we weren’t too young to be in love.

– c.g.

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