Not That Girl

I wanted you.

I wanted your tired voice,

and your barking noises,

and your silly puns,

and all the words you never meant.

I wanted Italy and gondolas,

and Antartica and the Northern Lights,

and picnics in every single park in the city.

I wanted two kids

in a medium-sized house

with a big backyard

and a dog and cat.

I wanted a life with you —

falling asleep to your snoring

and waking up to your smile.

But you couldn’t change,

and I couldn’t wait.

Yet you’re still the one I want to run to,

and you’re still the one I want to love.

But I’m not that girl.

Why couldn’t I be that girl?

 

— n.d

dear me (two years ago)

you would be so proud of me.

it has taken so long for me to get here –

from someone who looked for her worth in the affections of others,

I consider it a victory to be here, right now.

though I can’t say that I’m completely confident in myself –

there are still some days in which I doubt who I am –

I am always reminded that I,

though formed from dust,

am considered to be the Maker’s greatest masterpiece.

how wonderful it is to be considered the greatest work of art –

greater than the most beautiful paintings made from the wispy colours of a sunset sky,

or the majestic shades of blue radiated by the snow-capped mountains.

how wonderful it is that, out of the billions of creatures on this planet,

I was one of the billions that He chose to breathe life into,

and allowed to share in His creativity?

if only you knew this two years ago,

then you wouldn’t look for love in the “for sale” racks;

you wouldn’t cheapen the love you deserve.

but it’s okay – I believe that you were meant to go through every single one of those heartbreaks to know your true worth:

He created you for a selfless, sacrificial love that never fails to remind you that you were created with love, for love and by Love.

know that this is not found in a person, but in Love Himself,

and anyone that strives to experience the beauty in which He created you needs to reflect that same sacrificial and self-giving love.

take heart – you were made higher than the stars.

with love,

current me

 

– a.c.

some days

Some days I don’t miss you at all, and everything is great. Then there are days like today.

Today I went to the library. As I wandered up and down the aisles, I remembered that day we spent hours here, looking for that one book you needed.

People got mad at us for being so loud, but we couldn’t help but laugh at each other. I can’t remember why we were laughing, I just know we were happy – I was happy.

Some days I don’t miss you at all, but today I did. I remember what we had, and I ache for it. I wonder if you ache for it too.

– a.s.

I want you to know

I want you to know how thankful I am for you — for staying by my side, for calming every single storm, for helping me see the light. You saved my life and I’ll never forget that.

I want you to know that I understand why you left. I fought to keep you so hard, but ultimately God took you out of my life because your role in it was over. Even though losing you hurt more than anything, I realize now that it would have been far worse had you stayed.

I want you to know I still think about you. I wonder what you’re up to, how your family’s doing, whether you miss my voice at night. Sometimes I’m even tempted to ask, but I know I have no right to. It’s not my place anymore.

I want you to know I’m happy for you. It still hurts to see you two together, but I can say with sincerity that I’m glad you finally found what you’ve been looking for. Even if I wish it was me.

I want you to know that no matter what’s happened, or how long it’s been, or who we’re with… a part of me will always love you.

It’s buried deep — but it’s there.

 

— n.d

A Series of Six-word Stories

1,

It’s been months. Not one word.

2.

I don’t remember your voice anymore.

3.

“There’s someone else now,” he says.

4.

I still wish you’d come back.

5.

I couldn’t forget if I tried.

6.

It’s always going to be you.

 

— n.d

Dramatic Irony

You know when you’re watching a movie, and you already know that the two main characters are meant to be together? You see them go through all of these obstacles in their relationship; witnessing countless scenes where they almost end up together, but there’s always that one thing that keeps them apart. You get so frustrated watching them  — wishing you could climb into the screen, grab them both by the shoulders and yell, “Just end up with each other already!”

I wonder if that’s how God feels watching us. Seeing us constantly going back and forth, waiting for the day when we finally realize it’s us, and find our way back to each other once and for all.

 

— n.d

you may have left, but I never moved

tonight I heard your voice

for the first time in

years

and now it’s two in the morning

but I can’t sleep

I’ve been lying in bed

staring at the ceiling for hours

wondering why

even after all this time

you still feel like

home

 

— n.d

How It Starts

You scare me.

So, I’ve spent the past few days trying to understand why.

If I’m honest, it’s because you’re not like the others.

I never thought I’d find someone who makes me want to leave my past in the past.

Someone real, someone honest, someone kind.

So, at the end of the day, I can’t help but wonder

If this is how it starts.

– a.s.

 

nothing much has changed

Two years ago, you told me to not let fear get in the way of trying new things.

And I listened.

A lot has changed in two years–

I’ve closed some doors,

Opened new ones.

I put sriracha on my food now (and I love it).

I’ve tried and kept new hobbies–

I cook now, by the way.

And my bangs– you always made a reference to them, in one way or another.

(Yes, I know, they were horrible.)

But see, I don’t have bangs anymore.

And I stopped cutting my hair every three months.

I can drive now,

And I got a dog.

I understand the anxiety of thinking about the future–

Of student loans, and planning out your future.

 

But there are some things that haven’t changed.

My eyes still dart to every grey BMW I see.

My ears still perk whenever I hear a friend talk about meeting someone you are close to, or even simply an acquaintance of yours.

My mind still replays memories with you–

When you drove me home.

When you offered me food (you always asked me twice).

When you touched my face.

And when the topic of “who can you imagine spending the rest of your life with” comes to the table,

Nothing has changed.

It’s still you.

After all this time,

It’s still you.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

“Just think – the guy you could be marrying could be in your life right now…and you could never know.”

If you only knew.

 

explanation

funny how things change within a year-

interests,

jobs,

dreams,

internal states.

a year ago,

I was held hostage by uncertainty,

whose only demand for ransom was the security of your affection.

I thought that, in the utmost sense of the phrase, I could never live without you.

but I did,

and I continue to do so,

even though the ransom was paid.

the ransom did set me free-

the security of your feelings for me made me realize that I would not have been tied down to uncertainty, had I not clung onto your affections like that.

but please understand – you didn’t do anything wrong.

in fact, you made me realize something very important:

the only way to avoid being robbed by uncertainty is to love thyself.

first and foremost.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

sometimes I wonder how you’ve been –

how was your day

how have you been holding up –

but then I restrain myself;

when you’ve been so attached to someone for that long,

sometimes time and space are the best remedies.

– c.g.